In 2020 I am gonna tell my body that we are still a kid until she believes me.
At this point in my life I am so tired of my body out running my brain. Like, when I sit and write, kind of like right now, my body sits and chills like the old woman in my mirror or the same one on my drivers licenses. Both of them are my mother.
Somewhere I lost my will to strive and am constantly telling myself “you’re too old.” Whose decision was to it to tell me that I’m too old? Here is what I remember about the time in my life where I knew my prime was over, that’s when I became too old.
It all started when I realized that I didn’t matter anymore. I don’t mean not matter to the point of jumping to my death from a really tall building I mean not matter to the point that suddenly you are put away like a sweater you love but it’s not in style right now or it’s just too hot outside to wear it.
When I say “I don’t matter anymore” what I really mean is nobody acknowledges you or sees you like you think they used to when you were “younger.” It’s like you’re no longer worth a second glance.
When I began to feel isolated and alone it took me quite some time to accept the possibility that I no longer was the same person I was only a short time a go. Who was I becoming? Am I so insignificant that I’m waving goodbye to the person I used to see when I looked in the mirror while at the same time seeing the person I am becoming, or have become, and not believing what I see as my future?
When the hell did this happen?